So it's been almost a month since I said God here's my PEN write me a great love story. No more manipulating situations to fit my ideal or desires. No dating too. I'm not sure what I was expecting. It would have been nice if the story went something like this. My entire world changes, and by some incredible fate I ran into the hands of my Prince Charming (P.C.) who happened to mysteriously fall from heaven and we lived happily ever after in blissful matrimony. NOT QUITE. I guess I was expecting a change, probably not as big as described but a significantly noticeable change. Am I disappointed? Honestly speaking YES. So what went wrong? I've really being pondering on that same question and have come to the conclusion it's entirely my fault and I have no one else to blame.
Well initially while reading the book When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric & Leslie Ludy, I was definitely reluctant and apprehensive about everything illustrated in the book. Then the realization of the potential of the "sweeter song" hit me and suddenly I was excited to finally give God my pen and live on a whole new perspective on how dating and relationships should really work. Mind you I was in London. Coming back home to America as I slowly settled back into my reality, school, and back to my life I began to lose excitement for the cause and began to lose sight of why I made such a decision . I guess the best analogy I can give is to say....it's like someone having a desire to lose weight and just enrolling themselves in the gym. How do you expect that person to reach the goal if they do not take the initiative to motivate themselves. You can have a personal trainer but if you continue to eat that scrumptious vanilla bean cheesecake [I love so dearly] everyday... essentially if you don't do your part it's all meaningless. I'm certainly not the queen of analogies but I hope that paints the picture. My point is I haven't been doing my part. In theory and in my mind I say God is the center of my life but my actions say the opposite.
Now since I promised to be transparent in my first blog as a woman of her word I will. Now let me keep it real, if it was just me and God, I'm straight but the reality is there are people in the puzzle. <---- that sentence makes more sense in my head. I promise. But the truth is, it's so not easy being in college and saying God take my pen. And it's even harder when you have an EX in your class who sweetly saves you a seat everyday. Now you're probably thinking girl, you should have dropped that class or switched sections! Yea I thought the same thing. But I didn't because I'm stronger than that and yes just because I gave God the pen that doesn't mean I have to run or duck from my ex's or any guy I've ever spoken to in the past.
It's not easy for someone like me who's likes to be in charge, choose and date who I want, control freak to take a backseat and say God here I am all yours...do as you please. But this is something I want. I chose to give Him the pen and in reality I need to do may part, little steps at time is all it takes. God is so loving and abounding in love that I know and believe things will work out even better than I can ever imagine. Such a life is so much sweeter...
The sweetest things in the world today have come to us through tears and pain.
-J.R. Miller
