New Beginnings

I can truly say I've missed blogging! It's been way too long. In my defense it's been quite an hectic few months, moving, starting a new job, and adjusting to a new chapter in my life. In my previous post I shared my concerns about being away from family and friends and a change in life, but I can say I'm truly content in the situation I am in. I firmly believe God's plan for me is remarkable and I'm willing to accept where ever it may take me. And my job is a great illustration of that. I haven't met a lot of people who actually enjoy their experience in their first job right out of college, but I'm actually very pleased with mine. It wasn't where I saw myself initially but I'm glad I listened to Him and cannot imagine how my experience would have been if I had taken the path I had designed for myself.

I have to admit it was a struggle in the beginning getting used to change. It was quite tempting to fall back into the world and my old self by not having a community of believers to hold me accountable. But I'm so thankful for the grace of God and for great people in my life. I'm thinking of one in particular who knew my struggles and prayerfully encouraged me. Only God knows how much love my heart holds for you sis (you know who you are). In the interim, I'm still praying to find a community of believers to fellowship with but I'm happy to say my love for God is not affected by that void.

Switching gears a bit. Something that's been on my mind that I almost don't want to share but I've vowed to be a transparent writer - and transparency I will uphold. Have you ever felt people are exceptionally nice to you? Or you meet people who just become such a blessing to you? Well....I do! When I share stories of my good fortune, people really find it hard to believe, even I'm caught off guard at times. Being alone and having to take care of everything myself, it's more evident. From getting free things to ridiculous discounts like up to 400 off furniture to meeting a well-respected retired cop who lives in my building and has a pull in the system clear my outstanding tickets...and this is really just to name a few. I don't say all this to sound pretentious but the only rationale I can really come up with is I really feel like the glory of God is upon my life, every aspect of it. I'm truly blessed and highly favored! I know the saying is "it's more of a blessing to give than to receive," but receiving is really nice. When it happens to you I'm sure you'll agree too. But as someone who loves to give, it's really nice to see that God doesn't forget about me. Experiencing new beginnings....

Letting Go...

To start off...I am officially a graduate from college! Yea and with DOS/DIEU (the number 2 for Spanish/French illiterate) degrees. Definitely could not have done it without the strength from my heavenly father above, and the love and support from my family, and my friends for making the ride awesome! It has been quite a journey into adulthood.

As one chapter in my life is wrapping up I anticipate what's next. The next phase is embarking on my career. I've been fortunate enough to have a job following college so, I don't particularly dread the question "So what's next for you?" But because I'm moving to a different state away from family and friends I have been asked quite often if I'm excited, nervous, ready, etc. My answer has been consistent and robotic - yes, I'm excited, no, I'm not nervous, and I think I'm ready. But I've actually taken the time to ponder and sort out my feelings about everything. My sentiments floats between the excitement of finally "growing up" and entering the real world and concern on the fact that things are significantly about to change.I realize part of "growing up" is learning when to let go. Letting go of fear of change and not necessarily knowing what lies ahead. Letting go of the comfortableness of having your friends around you all the time, letting go of a relationship that was never quite meant to be. Everyone has their own "let gos" they have to make, these are just some of mine.

Change. I've spent the past 17 years or so in school. And all of sudden I'm given the freedom to roam, to not study, to not attend class, to not write papers/take exams. Gee what's a girl to do? It will certainly take some time to adjust to this new found freedom granted, freedom is relative. My new found freedom involves waking early in the morning to enter into an institution called an "office," and work for 8 to 12 hours a day, circumstantial to the task for the day. Wow freedom is sweet! Not to sound so grave, this freedom does come with money and the perks associated with that.

Friendships. Have you ever thought about how much time you spend with your friends? I haven't really either. You will when a time period comes when you will have to be away from them. I personally think we spend more time with my friends than with our family, at least I know I do. Now that I'll be away from my core friends do I believe I may lose those friendships? In the past, I would have said yes, but once again part of "growing up" is not only letting go of such notions but also knowing that the foundation of anything is what keeps it standing. Friendship is one of those things you have to work on. While I can't hop in my car and present myself at their door randomly (as I often do) or look forward to weekend outings where I know I'll see my friends, they'll certainly still be in my heart. But, my hope is that they think of me and pray for me often as I intend to do for them as well. I find the excuse people make in saying "I'm not very good at checking up on people" inexcusable. If you truly care about someone you will make it a habit to check in on them. And, they say, habits are hard to break.

Relationships. God brings people into your life for a reason. Some of those relationships are seasonal, while others are a bit more long-termed. I'm learning to come to terms with that statement. Not all relationships are long-term and even in the long-term ones, the dynamic of those relationships may change. The hard part is usually deciding what to do with those relationships, especially those involving the opposite sex. Part of "growing up" is learning to define relationships from the start. A defined relationship is so important in order to eliminate ambiguity. If anything does change as the relationship progress, it's also very important to discuss it with the individual. If there is anyone out there struggling with the issue of whether to pursue a relationship or not, my honest answer is to go straight to the person who created you both and ask for His opinion. Trust me, what God tells you is ALWAYS right, may not be the answer you want to hear but it's precisely the answer you need to hear (speaking from personal experience). Don't be discouraged, when the answer is "no" or "not now," just know that His plans are much greater than what you can ever vision or imagine. And an encouragement for those who are still single. Singleness is not a prison sentence. Embrace it. It is a period of time where you have the freedom to cultivate your relationship with Christ without any other distractions.

Frederick W. Cropp once said, "There is much in the world to make us afraid. There is much more in your [our] faith to make us unafraid." That's something I know I can certainly count on - my faith in Christ. Things may change around me but my father is the same. I take great comfort in recognizing that!

P.S. I may not be writing for a while. I need some time to adjust to my new "freedom." So please pardon my brief leave of absence.

With Love,

Get Fired Up!

I received some very bad news while at church yesterday that I friend of mine had passed. I've known this individual since middle school. Although not someone I would consider 'best friend,' when we did speak we had very good conversations. I also had a sense of closeness to him since he was dating my best friend. His life was taken very young as he recently just turned 23. The details unimportant, but certainly a case of a good guy being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I've never had to deal with loss. This would be the closest thing to dealing with loss that I've had to face.

What hurts my heart the most is the fact that I don't really know if he was saved. I know he went to church with my friend and I've seen him a couple of times myself. But as believers of Christ we should not fear death because we know that we are going to meet our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in heaven. But for non-believers it's a very scary realization of not having that assurance. This situation really has been bothering my heart because he is a friend of mine. Our main goal on the earth is to proclaim the gospel of Jesus. I certainly have not being doing that consistently. Being comfortable in knowing you're going to heaven is great but what about your friends? your family? your co-workers? God has been really speaking to my heart to share the word especially to young people like myself. We usually believe when we get "older" we'll live for Christ, but, honestly who knows what 'older' will be for us. The bible says in Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to number our days aright so we may gain a heart of wisdom." Another translations says "teach us to realize the brevity of life."

Life is very short and each day is a gift from God. I'm still trying to accept the fact that people's salvation is not to fall on my shoulders rather my role is to open my mouth about the gift of salvation which Christ has given me and leave the conviction of their hearts to God. With the loss of my friend I'm even more fired up about the mission that has been handed to us Christians. So you too should get - fired up!

Here, listen to one of my favorite songs....

SPEAK

by Jimmy Needham

Oh Sippy Cup Tears

Happy March! Okay March is clearly over but I'm glad I'm making a post before it's officially over. I'm not sure if a lot of you can relate to this post but I will share anyways. Today was just one of those (for a lack of a better word) "blah" days. Like extremely "blah" days. I was so unhappy about everything. I complained about my hair not being perfect, school being such a drag, my legs being too skinny, spending my last spring break at home and not Paris as I had planned, having to take my cousin to school every morning on my spring break, and honestly there was a list of things. I was overwhelmed with sadness to the point of tears. And for those who know me I'm not a very emotional person, so I never cry, well almost never. But this morning I probably could have filled a sippy cup with my tears. And if I were asked what was wrong I'm not sure if I would have had a decent reply...something more along the line (while sobbing) "I don't know. Everything!"

After my sob session I decided my hunger wouldn't feed itself so I decided to get breakfast. I really wanted cereal, opened the fridge to find out there was no milk. OMGeee no milk!!! So I cried again. At this point I knew I was pathetic so I kept crying at the realization that I was crying at the slightest thing. Finding something else to eat minutes later I plopped in front of the television. Usually I'm watching CNN or CNBC to feed the "news junkie" side I have developed over the years but for some reason the channel went to TBN. For those you do not know what TBN is, it is one of the largest Christian broadcasting network in the US. I figured it was better than watching the crisis in Libya and Japan unfold further inciting my sadness. I think I spent an hour or so on the couch and boy was it an uplifting experience. To start off this woman was sharing her testimony about her 3yr old son who had some disease (I forgot the name) which pretty much left him underdeveloped and paralyzed. With faith and prayer her son was healed. The before and after footage was amazing! Praise God! Still upset about my lack of milk I thought wait...I'm healthy! I don't have everything I want but I sure do have everything I need which is simply air, shelter, food. Feeling much better I decided I desperately needed me time with God. Oh the way my heavenly father works! I randomly opened the bible and this is what I came across:

1 Peter 1:8-9 "Though you have not seen him, you love him, and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I later had a revelation. So I've been very diligent in reading the word and spending quality with my creator. I decided to skip out on devotion the day before. The result of my action was like day and night. All these things I was complaining about didn't magically appear overnight. It's just that when I'm in the presence of God, He fills my heart with inexpressible joy that I don't have time or even the desire to complain. One of my favorite quotes says "A man is a product of their thoughts." WORD. I spent the previous day watching YouTube videos and Facebooking, comparing my life with others. After a long hiatus from social networking sites, I'm now beginning to remember why I had left in the first place. It's like venom. It slowly works into your blood stream then before you know what hit you, you're DEAD. Gruesome...sorry. This is quite similar with the spirit. When we feed our spirit with junk, we produce junk (i.e worry, sadness, depression etc...) but when your spirit is filled with ? (not sure the word but the opposite of junk) you yield good things (i.e. joy). The scripture above is amazing. God did not promise us a trouble free life. Honestly as a Christian if you don't have at least one thing that's not perfect in your life, something is wrong. That's a sign of complacency and there's no room for growth. There's always a reason for situations we face. During the broadcast this song by Mandisa titled, Not Guilty also came on which I thought was so beautiful. This is the exact footage that came on.

Now I'm not saying complaining is bad or it's wrong to desire better things, I'm simply saying it's imperative to not let those desires consume your heart. Because (1) you lose perspective of what you do have and (2) you'll never be satisfied.

Hope this message touches someone. For now I'm saying goodbye to sippy cup tears...

Au Naturelle and all that jazz

Bonne année-Happy New Year! haha I realized you haven't heard this from me yet. And no I'm not a slacker, I've actually been blogging, it's just been set on private. So much for transparency...lol. No but some issues I've been dealing with for the purpose of protecting the individual(s) involved I've decided to keep it private. Yea and I can't even change the names because most people reading this may know who(m) I'm speaking of. With that said I apologize, when the time comes I'll reveal everything....

So, OMGoodness, I cannot believe I have yet to dedicate a post on this topic! To not discuss this subject is to conceal a vital part of my being. Haha, I'm being exaggerative but hope you still get my point. This past October marked my 1 year anniversary of being "natural." First let's define natural hair: (Natural hair is unprocessed hair that has not been chemically altered in texture or color.) To make you further understand this concept for those who are not familiar with black hair I suggest watching a documentary by Chris Rock entitled "Good Hair."

I did not understand the concept of natural hair until I got to college. I mean I never really thought I knew anyone with natural hair but I realize I've seen a few in high school. I used to think they just had really bad perms. Ignorance - I know. Actually two of best friends in HS had natural hair but they wore it differently. Let's simply just say I was a confused teen. Here's a brief hair background story. I was natural for sometime in my life, probably the first 6 years. Honestly a large chunk of my childhood is pretty hazy to me. Moving here from a different country at the age of 7, I forgot a lot of my life before. Not sure the exact age I got my first perm but I had it and it was just a part of life...like brushing my teeth except it wasn't on a daily basis.

So the question I get asked most is why did you decide to go natural. My answer is probably not what you're going to expect. Here we go... So I had my hair constantly straightened for a while instead of getting a perm. (Define perm: a chemical application that changes your hair texture from curly to straight.) One day browsing the internet, I stumbled upon a forum on natural hair and found this other world on 'naturals' on the internet I was not familiar with. I was so fascinated that I would spend hours reading all this info about natural hair. At the time, I was an RA and I brought up my findings during a meeting and said 'I'm going natural' (of course I wasn't SERIOUS) but everyone laughed at me as if it was a joke, but my tone was seemingly serious. Boy did that make me angry! The fact that people thought I couldn't do it, fueled my passion to want to prove them wrong. So that's how it all began. I went the entire summer without a perm. Of course since I wasn't 100% committed I almost chickened out till I took out braids I had done during the summer. I wasn't all that familiar with braids either since I usually didn't wear them in my hair. I did something horribly wrong that could not be fixed. It's like getting gum stuck in your hair. But I had 'gum' stuck in my entire head...a detangling fiasco!!! The hair stylist had no idea what to do, I was frustrated, sad, mortified. 50 minutes after trying to fix it at the salon, I grabbed a scissors and asked her to cut it all off. "Girl, you sure?" "Yes cut it all off!" I replied. And so she did....and I bawled.

And there my natural journey began. Glamorous right? NOT. I didn't fully embrace 'natural' in the beginning. I would wear scarves, hats, weaves, anything to conceal my head. I was very self-conscious because my hair had always been my safety net and to not have that safety was devastating. I felt much more beautiful with longer hair, which I partially blame on society. There's a certain mold of beauty that we ingrain in our minds which we inherently and subconsciously pass on to impressionable kids whether we know it or not.

I'm sure I've said this many times - I have the greatest friends in the whole world. I received a lot of encouragement from both my girl and guy friends. I love my family...but they were the least bit supportive of this movement initially. I finally had the courage to show off my new 'do' 5 months post-cut. The amount of compliments and great feedback I received was outstanding. Not to say this made me more confident, because I was honestly at a point where I could have cared less what others thought about me. This change in the perception of myself was so dramatic. The idealisms of beauty I once had was completely shattered. I created a new image of what I thought was beautiful and boy was I in love with it. To embrace the hair that grows out of my head was liberating! I remain natural because my hair is so much healthier, it's very cost-efficient, and I love the versatility in hair styles. I would be lying if I said I didn't face many challenges and still do. But like so many other issues we face in our lives, you have your happy days, your not so happy days, your extremely angry days, but you wake up the next day get over your frustration, learn from it and keep it moving.

It's been 1 year and a few months since I was 'forced' into making the decision to go natural but honestly that's one decision I'm glad I was forced to do. Out of the plethora of decisions I've had to make, this is certainly one I've never regretted :)

Here are some pics...

relaxed hair.....................big cut.........................1yr natural :)

Au revoir mes amis! - as you can see my French has greatly improved. One day my entire post will be in French and you will have to translate :)

I Finally See You...

Ok, so this was my PRIVATE POST....just now making it public (6/22/11)

Have you ever seen someone but have never really SEEN them? This post will clarify a few things. So this past week I've been an emotional wreck. I'm the least emotional person you will meet. I'm very rational and thorough with my thoughts. Before you get into a frenzy, nothing is wrong per say but I just hate not being in control of my thoughts...someone else is. I've never had someone consume my thoughts for such a long time and it is driving me CRAZY!

One year ago today, God brought me to my knees in tears, convicted my heart, and encouraged me...more like forced me to surrender my pen to him. This past year He's really taught me a lot about having healthy, pure, God-centered relationships with the opposite sex. My journey hasn't been perfect but I can really see God working in my life.

So there's someone in my life I've known for quite some time now. I see them quite often and we hang out a lot. I know quite a lot about them even their family. This person has always been there for me. They embody everything most girls would want in a relationship (God-fearing, smart, family loving, attractive, passionate individual) but I've never really seen this person as anything more than my friend. It clearly took a very long time but I feel like God's telling me "what you need has been in front of you this entire time you just need to remove your blinders and open your eyes." A part of me wants to yell on top of my lungs and say I FINALLY SEE YOU! But I can't...God's timing is so much more beautiful.

Played this way too much:

India Arie

Beautiful Surprise

*See Update* - under relationships

Happy Birthday/Anniversary!

Whooo! I'm not one year old I promise. But DECEMBER is here! This week marks my 1 year anniversary blogging. And last week was my birthday! Two pretty significant dates I would say. I can honestly say I wasn't quite sure I would be able to maintain this blog but I did. I'm proud.

This year was very low key. I spent a good portion of my birthday in the library. Nerd. I know. I didn't really do much celebration this year, come to think of it none actually, very different from the previous year. But that does not take away from how extremely grateful I am to God for blessing me with another year. This year has had its ups and downs but through it all I know He's always been by my side and has taught me some valuable lessons as I continue to grow in Him. I'm grateful to my wonder family who has put up with this 'princess' for ## years.

This post is going to be quite raw. Be warned. It almost seems inappropriate to go from such a happy tone to a more serious one. But this is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart for a while now and I figure I would share. This past year I've found a shift in a lot of friendships. To be exact I find myself drifting apart from some relatively close people. I think we often feel obligated to hold many relationships because of time. For example childhood friends or friends you met in high school. But some relationships just leaves you feeling drained, mostly because you're doing all the work in trying to maintain them or they are simply just unhealthy (I'm not saying I am a perfect friend, of course I have my many flaws) But we do outgrow friends overtime. As we mature and find a better understanding of who we are, our needs and value systems changes and will differ from others.

I've always been willing take on the role of being the listener/advice giver or whatever you want to call it. I'm not much of a sharer but ever so often when I do, I find that most people don't really listen or somehow find ways to turn the conversation back on themselves. So, I listen instead. And I've mastered that to some extent. Most are shocked how much detail I remember about a particular conversation that was held or their life in general. It usually goes something like this..."How'd you know that?"..."Eh you told me"..."Oh really." I'm not saying don't talk about yourself, I think we get so wrapped up in our lives we forget others are living life too. We fail miserably to use any sense of emotional intelligence we have to know when to stop talking and listen.

It would be a lie if I said I wasn't hurting. This has been a very difficult period for me. Emotional detachment is the hardest part. I sometimes miss these friendships but I ultimately know I'm making the right decision and I'm trying to untangle myself from feelings of guilt. Of course the love I have for them will never change. It's weird to not have that 'best friend' kind of person to speak to about your day without really having to say much because you know they would understand. It's a bit lonely at times. But in all of this, God is revealing to me that my dependency should be solely on him. I've found myself talking to him more. Friends, even long-time friends will disappear but God says...

Hebrew 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

God does understand the need for human relationships. And because of this has brought some wonderful people into my life within the past year or so. Although they can't finish my sentence or fully know what I'm thinking all the time because the relationship is fresh but I know they truly care. And I'll take that any day...

True Beauty

If I Were A Boy

So I've been thinking a lot, a little too much perhaps - what it is like to be a boy/man. Well this sort of stems from a love triangle I've found myself entangled in. It's a long story, but here's a synopsis. Boy with girlfriend thinks I'm the girl for him but I know I shouldn't even entertain the idea. And of course girlfriend is absolutely in love with guy and thinks he's the one. Oh boy - we'll leave it at that.

I recently went to an event with a friend, who was floored by the group of attractive men present. I agreed but looked around and concluded that there were twice as many attractive girls there as well. It really got me thinking - How does a guy choose one? I don't know how they do. There are so many beautiful girls out there. Let me clarify, this is in terms of physical appearance. The ratio of male to female in the world is surprisingly is 1.1 to 1. I would have predicted it to be much higher. As girls we're more inclined to fall for a guy and love him till the forever after but guys are easily distracted. I'm not necessarily a Beyonce fan but it's ironic I heard her song "If I Were A Boy" sometime this week. Couldn't help but chuckle at the irony. Anyways pretty good lyrics I must say.

Ladies we have so much competition out there, that is if you're competing based on physical traits. I'm mean if we were comparing who had biggest jugs - I would probably come in last place. But Proverbs 31:30 says:

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman (man) who fears the Lord is to be praised."

On my way to class this week, I had a guy on his phone stop his conversation mid-sentence to tell me I was beautiful. (I secretly wanted to ask, why he thought I was beautiful, but then realize he'll think I'm this 'beautiful' crazy chic) Instead, I appreciated the comment and said thank you but once again the analytical part of me started to think. Who are we to dictate what "beauty" is? Beauty is nothing but a social construct used to make ourselves feel better about our position/status/association to things in the world. The truth is, looks does NOT matter the most. As cliche, as this sounds it's really about what's on the inside. And the only person that can make us beautiful on the inside is God. You want a woman/man who is not solely interested in your outside beauty but your character. The truth is we're all going to get old. I'm not saying aging is ugly, it's a very beautiful thing actually. What I am saying is our standard of beauty changes often.

This post speaks volume to me as well. I gravitate toward so called "pretty boys." A friend half-way jokingly said to me...if I were a boy, I would be a pimp. It's a sad truth. Now if I were a boy...I would ask God to direct my footsteps and help me to see beyond physical beauty but actively seek out girls with genuine characters. But I'm a girl and my prayer is that I should not be influenced by the compliments showered on me by guys but actively seek out guys that look far beyond my physical traits.

With Love,

Where are You?

Bonjour,

Yes I know it's been almost four months since I've blogged. If we're friends on facebook you know I've been everywhere else (Delaware, Houston, Philly, New Jersey, Atlanta, Baltimore) but my blog. And you guys have consistently reminded me of my hiatus. Which I'm grateful for because this means I actually have people that read my posts. So thanks :) There's been so much that has transpired this past few months and my fear was how I would transform 4 months of existence into a post hence the post hiatus but I'm going to try...

Let's begin with my summer...

WORK
So I interned with JPMorgan and it was quite an experience. A good one. The work (investment banking - project management) was okay, not exactly what I call the "sexy job" but the experience really opened my eyes to what I would like to do at the start of my professional career. For me the best part of my experience was the people I got to meet. Very genuine people and some really good friends for life. It felt surreal being surround by top executives in the company and being asked for my opinion on certain issues. I had the opportunity to become really good friends with the Global Diversity Officer for the company GLOBALLY! Till today I can't believe how that happened - the fact that I can call up the GDO of JPM worldwide and she's like "Hi Tayo". The only thing I can say is definitely the favor of God. This woman is absolutely amazing and has been a wonderful mentor during my experience there. God's worked it all out and really made me shine as an intern as a result I was offered a full-time offer to return after graduation. With what's going on in the economy and even knowing recent graduates without a job, it feels awesome and humbling to know that I have this great opportunity. I'm still asking and praying for directions on what to do. I know it sounds like a no brainer! "Take the job! What are you thinking?" (most of you are thinking). But honestly when it comes down to it, my philosophy has been not to accept the obvious but rely on God to direct your footsteps and lead you in the direction He wants you to go. And that's what I am doing right now.

LIFE
So far I've spoken of a lot of positives. This past 4 months hasn't all been rosy to say the least. So I'm going to keep it real. I struggled a lot with my faith this summer. Like a lot. I think I possible failed every test God gave me. Shame. I know. But by his grace I'm able to now look back and see areas of potential growth. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "For my strength is made perfect in your weakness." I struggled deeply with maintaining good finances. It felt like I was working and making a lot of money but the money was flying out invariably having nothing to show for it. I also struggled with my relationships with men. This area really got me down and virtually separated me from God. Mostly because I thought I've grown so much in learning how to have healthy relationships with guys and handing over "the pen" to God and such. My approach was to just completely erase and not acknowledge guys in my life. This included deleting numbers, texts, yes and even some facebook friends. I mean it worked for a while but the lesson was still not learned more like suppressed. Hence I fell back into the trap. A friend wrote this to me...

"perhaps God's trying to teach you how to handle such friendship/relationship in a godly manner because if he stopped putting guys in front of you now, they'll just pop up later, and you will still struggle...but learning to deal with it the God-glorifying way will be more beneficial than simply having God remove attractive guys from your life...after all you can't seem to avoid them!

Honestly this is possibly the wisest advice I've gotten in a long time. But it's so difficult to be level-headed when you're not in your comfort zone or in other words surrounded by people who you know will hold you accountable for your actions spiritually. It's something that happens whether I'm in Delaware, California, or across the globe in London. I'm really trying to get to a place where it's just me and God - no matter where I am. To a place where I'm constantly thinking if He approves of my actions. It is extremely difficult but it's a life He requires from those who love Him.

BARCELONA
So if you've seen me in Maryland I'm obviously still in America and NOT Barcelona, Spain as I intended to be for fall study abroad program. I really wanted to be in Barca, but I don't think it was God's will. Trust me, I didn't take it easy, having to drop out last minute, certainly one of the circumstances that had me questioning God and His love for me. Funny right. Humans I tell you. It's sad that we let our faith be based on God's activity and not His identity. I'm gradually starting to see why I needed to be here this semester and I'm more than grateful the way things worked out. Barcelona can wait :)

MOVING FORWARD...
I'm taking each day a step at a time. I'm loving everyday I wake up and every moment the Lord has given me. Peace and joy is such a rare experience that many people don't get on a daily basis. And that's mostly because we worry too much. But when you let go and let God you start to feel peace and inner joy that's inexpressible...it's beautiful. And I'm feeling it. My semester is full but so much fun. I'm picking up a 4th language, French, taking a massage class, learning finally how to play tennis (correctly) and how to swim (correctly). Don't get me wrong it's not all play, I'm still taking my business courses. But I'm really excited about my last year in undergrad. I'm getting involved in things I never thought I would. For example, today I started to learn how to tight-rope walk and skydiving trip coming up soon - c'mon you gotta keep up with me :)

Peace & love
Au revoir mes amies

P.S Please leave thoughts and comments, I really appreciate your inputs.

Let's Talk Money...

So I lay here trying to sleep and realize I have to get this out! God is simply AMAZING. Like seriously. In the midst of my doubt, fears, trials, and despair, He totally came through. Money is a subject that is never spoken about. It's such a taboo in our society to speak about our financial situation. The acquisition of money perhaps finds its way in conversations but certainly not the other side, the lack of money. So I bring all this up to share a testimony.

I left my job last semester which pretty much covered rent and miscellaneous expenses. I knew this semester would be quite difficult without that stability to fall on but I felt everything would be okay. Boy was I in for a surprise. I thought I knew what BROKE was. Usually when I'm "broke" I have a few hundreds in the account. But "broke" this semester was more leaning towards a negative balance. Of course you wouldn't be able to tell. Yes, I'm seen with my Armani bag (which was a gift, thanks Vera) and people assume you're living large. We assume the grass is always greener on the other side.

I have to pay rent for my summer internship and rent for my stay in Barcelona in a couple days. I'm totally freaking out! I usually don't like to challenge God but I had a conversation with Him that went a little something like this:

"Yo God I really need you right now. Things aren't looking too good. I need you to work this out by Saturday. Yes, Saturday. I am giving you 7 days to make it happen. I'm your child and if you love me you won't let me down...."

Today, day 4 of the challenge, I received a phone call from my summer internship saying they had a check for me (signing bonus)...can you say AMEN! I picked up the check and realized this is way more than I needed. Now was this coincidence or was this God? I'm thinking the latter. He is so faithful and I can't even begin to fathom how powerful He is.

I think God has really put me through this experience to learn a valuable lesson. I worry about everything and God is saying He's willing to take care of everything if I just let go. Yes, I'll probably be making a lot of money this summer but I sure will never forget how it felt to have nothing and continually praise God for what it is I do have and try to use it to help others.

I really wanted to share this with the hope that this post is encouraging to someone. Goodnight :)

Check out Matthew 6:25-34

Hiatus

I can't believe my last post was March 30 that is over a month ago!!! Simply unacceptable. Well it's not that NOTHING has been transpiring in my life...quite the opposite...EVERYTHING imaginable has been going on. Thanks Katie for making me aware of my hiatus :) I'll break down my topics in sections. Let's just say my faith has been truly tested and is continuing to be tested. I'll start with...

BARCELONA

So I think the last I spoke of this was that I was applying to the study abroad program in Barca for the fall semester. Well I've been accepted and even got some scholarships to go. I'm very analytical and like to think things through prior to making decisions but in this case Barca seemed to be calling my name and I didn't quite plan everything throughly. I figured God had my back. Well after completing a budget, oh my $15k is A LOT. I'm grateful for the scholarships received but I'm still very far from $15k. Let's just say I'm really nervous about the decision I've made and I'm hoping it was the right one. I'm too young to be in debt! I'm really trying to have faith in God and trust that if he really wants me to go everything will work out. *sigh* Please keep praying for me.

SCHOOL/WORK

I think I'm realizing more and more how much I hate school. Not the typical I'm stressed, more like I really don't know why I am here. I'm going to spare you the rant but these feelings could spurn from the fact my counterparts are graduating and I'm STILL here completing a double major and 150 credits enabling me to sit for a CPA, which I'm not sure I even want to do. My heart cries for something more than this. The more I think about it, it's rather depressing. In my last post I described how I wanted to spend this semester with my family. EPIC fail. School, case competition, and Phi Chi have totally taken over me. I would like to be just a student who goes to class and does nothing else. Why is that so hard to do? Why do I do so much? I need to rearrange my priorities. My hope is this summer I'll have time to figure things out. Speaking of summer so my internship start date is now MAY 24. YES! That's the Monday right after finals and graduation. I'm excited, nervous, scared all at once. It's finally here much quicker than I thought. My plan was to read up on the financial markets this semester to prepare me...didn't quite happen. I just want to excel but finance is not my forte and I'm IS & Accounting major working with a financial services firm doing Investment Banking. Ah...sometimes I look at my life and laugh at how I land where I do. I'm so grateful to God for wonderful opportunities but it's still scary...

RELATIONSHIPS

So as you know I gave God my pen in this department. BUT I need to be honest with myself. I think I'm slightly falling for a friend. I really don't want the pen back. It's too much work to figure things out on my own. I don't know exactly where this is coming from could be very temporal. I think the thought of not having this person around as often as I would like has me confused as to where our relationship stands. I see this person as one of my good friends who happen to posses certain qualities I admire. I need to get back into the Word and make God my priority. My greatest fear is settling, invariably taking this person away from the person God has created for them and I losing out on the greatest love story God may have for me. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship with anyone else other than Christ. Ahh opposite sex friendships are confusing even those founded on Christ. It's still difficult even with a believer. I praying for guidance.

LIFE

I've realized once you get past a hurdle another seem to arise. A never ending cycle. Life is continually filled with difficult decisions. There so much I can say about this but being in a fraternity has made this even more pertinent. I love my frat brothers but I feel God has called me to live a "set apart life." Once you label yourself as a Christian all eyes are watching you. Some want to see you fall so they feel they don't have to change their life since Christians are hypocrites. while others look up to you. It's an enormous amount of pressure. You want to have fun but you wonder what the boundaries are. I Corinthians 10:13 Paul says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." I want to be that light that shines in a world of darkness. But it's very hard to do sometimes being so young and the thought of slipping up is even more scary.

Wrap-Up

Sorry for the long post but I tried my best to encapsulate what happened in my life for a month in a few paragraphs. Sidenote: I'm extremely proud of all my graduating friends and I'm truly surrounded by wonderful, intelligent, loving friends who I have no doubt will be successful in whatever endeavors they take up. Congrats Grads!

"Acts of the Apostles"

I can't count the amount of times I've said I will read the entire Bible in a year. Usually start off relatively well, come January ending....epic fail. That is exactly why reading the Bible in a year wasn't part of my resolution this year. I did make a strong effort to read the entire book of Acts for the month of March. By the grace of God....success!

Today concluded my readings. The book of Acts was so inspiring, stimulating, and encouraging all at once. Each passage depicts the "acts of the apostles" through the power of the Holy Spirit after Jesus commanded them to "be [his] witness to Jerusalem, and all of Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." (Acts 1:7) They were following JC's instructions to preach the gospel to all nations. Acts primary focuses on the ministry of Peter and Paul. At that time the teaching that Jesus Christ is the only way in order for us to be saved was such a RADICAL concept to grasp during those times. As Peter declared in Acts 4:12 "Salvation is found in on one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men in which we must be saved." The Jews back them believed in the obedience of the laws of Moses simply as a gateway to heaven. As a result many Jews rejected the teachings of the apostles and plotted numerous times to silence these workers of Christ.

Dude, these people went through so much persecution from beatings, stonings, jail time, even DEATH, and still came up on top because of Christ. I contemplate how I would have reacted if faced with such trials. Not too sure. Good thing I wasn't born then. My point is as brother Paul said at some point "I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus" (Acts 21:13), we need to step it up for Christ. He literally gave HIS life in order to give US eternal life. It such a beautiful thing. To think that we continue to nail him back to that very cross through our actions daily is simply sad.

I'm so grateful for the gift of salvation given to me and the fact that I'm fully aware of Christ's love for me. And I pray that I will be able to be as bold and persevering as these disciples for the sake of Christ. As Easter approaches it's so important to keep in mind what exactly we are celebrating - the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Present Family Affairs...Future Issues

How many times have you said to yourself, "I'm never going to be like my parents." "I'm never going to raise my kids the way I was brought up." "I'll never this or that...."

So the other day I happened to have an argument with my father...the issue, not important. But the following day I woke up and felt very disappointed in the way I handled the situation. Weird. I'm so stubborn to the core and usually think I'm always right. So I was quite taken aback by my remorseful state. Anyways I said God please forgive me and teach me to be a better person not only to outsiders but to those closest to me. A couple hours later I opened this book I haven't read in a while to continue from where I left off and boy was I in for a shock. Let's just say God's timing could not have been more perfect.

The author speaks on how everyone has "them" in our lives. The only requirement for "them" is familiarity. So "them" could be family, pretty much those people who really know how to get under your skin. We are model citizens to everyone else but to "them" we become monstrous beings. I'm thinking...WORD. But why should we behave that? I know I say I'm going to be more loving and affectionate towards my future partner/family but the truth is I don't even do it now. Don't get me wrong I LOVE, I just have a very difficult time expressing that love. My current family relationships should be a training ground for my future relationships. We should "train to model Christ with "them" so we can be really good at it when we get married.

Yes, our family will embarrass us or hurt us in some way but we need to learn to loyally stand by "them." Forgiveness is key. Imagine if God walked out on us every time we embarrass Him! For me that would have been walking out on me over a million times! But no He stuck by me. Amazing! - "We love Him because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

I moved back home this semester but I'll be moving out again in a few months for work. I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to being on my own once again. But honestly now I'm really looking forward to these next few months I have with my family...to work on mending our relationship, and spending quality time with each other. I want to be the best daughter/sister to my current family, so I can be the best wife/mother to my future family. Emulating Christ in every aspect of our lives is what God requires from us.

Ephesians 4:32

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Difficult Decisions

It's been almost I month...I miss thee. There's just been so much going on with me. Also been faced with some very difficult decisions to make. I'll start with some updates. School has been going very well. For the first semester in a while I feel no stress whatsoever. Feels great. Every semester should be like this.

A friend of mine invited me to attend an interest meeting for her organization Phi Chi Theta. It's the premier business co-ed fraternity in the business school. I went and loved the people I met. It was great to meet such diverse and unique individuals. I decided to go through the process. Glad to say I was selected and inducted into PCT! Something about meeting new people gets me excited. There's a retreat this weekend at a house by the lake side somewhere "undisclosed." I happen to know where it is but guess since I'm not supposed to know I won't "disclose." This is a great segway into something I would like to discuss. I had quite a difficult decision to make. PCT retreat happens to fall that same day as vacation bible for DayBreak. An organization I volunteer for. I was really torn as to where I should go. It felt like I would be choosing one over the other. It seemed like a case of choose what's more important to you. Both being equally as important at the moment isn't making the decision any easier. I think I've made a decision but I'm really not sure if it's what I want or the "right" decision. In essence life is exactly like this. At some point in time we'll all be faced with decisions we don't want to make but my hope is that God will be there to walk me through my difficult situations.

I'm not sure if you feel this way but I honestly feel certain conversations with people were meant to happen at particular times. As if it was predestined. Weird statement, I know. But I thoroughly believe it. I had a conversation this past week with someone I know but we've never really spoke for a long period of time. Let's just say I never thought a conversation could be as inspiring as this one was. I know I'm glazing over the details but I got a lot out of it and it felt great to know I unknowingly had an impact on someone's life. Lesson learned: take time out to talk to people who normally would not, you may never know what God has in store for you that day :D

The Pen

Whoa. Before I continue...just want you to know I've been in my house for about 6 days now due to SNOW. yes SNOW. Snomageddon as our President Obama would call it. No school for the past 5 days. Historic. That was just a side-note. I digress...

So it's been almost a month since I said God here's my PEN write me a great love story. No more manipulating situations to fit my ideal or desires. No dating too. I'm not sure what I was expecting. It would have been nice if the story went something like this. My entire world changes, and by some incredible fate I ran into the hands of my Prince Charming (P.C.) who happened to mysteriously fall from heaven and we lived happily ever after in blissful matrimony. NOT QUITE. I guess I was expecting a change, probably not as big as described but a significantly noticeable change. Am I disappointed? Honestly speaking YES. So what went wrong? I've really being pondering on that same question and have come to the conclusion it's entirely my fault and I have no one else to blame.

Well initially while reading the book When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric & Leslie Ludy, I was definitely reluctant and apprehensive about everything illustrated in the book. Then the realization of the potential of the "sweeter song" hit me and suddenly I was excited to finally give God my pen and live on a whole new perspective on how dating and relationships should really work. Mind you I was in London. Coming back home to America as I slowly settled back into my reality, school, and back to my life I began to lose excitement for the cause and began to lose sight of why I made such a decision . I guess the best analogy I can give is to say....it's like someone having a desire to lose weight and just enrolling themselves in the gym. How do you expect that person to reach the goal if they do not take the initiative to motivate themselves. You can have a personal trainer but if you continue to eat that scrumptious vanilla bean cheesecake [I love so dearly] everyday... essentially if you don't do your part it's all meaningless. I'm certainly not the queen of analogies but I hope that paints the picture. My point is I haven't been doing my part. In theory and in my mind I say God is the center of my life but my actions say the opposite.

Now since I promised to be transparent in my first blog as a woman of her word I will. Now let me keep it real, if it was just me and God, I'm straight but the reality is there are people in the puzzle. <---- that sentence makes more sense in my head. I promise. But the truth is, it's so not easy being in college and saying God take my pen. And it's even harder when you have an EX in your class who sweetly saves you a seat everyday. Now you're probably thinking girl, you should have dropped that class or switched sections! Yea I thought the same thing. But I didn't because I'm stronger than that and yes just because I gave God the pen that doesn't mean I have to run or duck from my ex's or any guy I've ever spoken to in the past.

It's not easy for someone like me who's likes to be in charge, choose and date who I want, control freak to take a backseat and say God here I am all yours...do as you please. But this is something I want. I chose to give Him the pen and in reality I need to do may part, little steps at time is all it takes. God is so loving and abounding in love that I know and believe things will work out even better than I can ever imagine. Such a life is so much sweeter...

The sweetest things in the world today have come to us through tears and pain.

-J.R. Miller

So Much To SAY...

Hello World,
So there's been some technical difficulties keeping me from blogging...but my account is back and running well...at least from now. This is going to be a very long post due to the fact I have a lot to say and was not able to say them. Perhaps I'll break it down nicely.

My Vacation
Getting away from Maryland was awesome! It was something I really needed to do. But 2 weeks into my trip I found myself missing so many things. Very simple things...like Noodles & Company, Chipotle, Popeyes, driving, ABC channel, Football (the real kind American not soccer), this is just a short list. Haha - mostly food places. While London has a lot of things I like; the rich culture, the architecture, the general way of living is so much more relaxing. Those Europeans really do know how to enjoy life. And perhaps I'll be joining them shortly. Time will tell :)

The purpose in which I came here didn't particular happen the way I had planned, but honestly God is quite the comedian and had better plans for me. I came to party, get wild and have a good time BUT I left London feeling so much closer with God and I don't regret a single moment of how the whole thing went down. I fell in love with Him all over again and it feels GREAT! He was there for me when I really needed Him and has a way of showing me that "His thoughts towards me are good."

I'm finally home. Back to America! Not particularly looking forward to starting a new semester on Monday but that only means one less semester closer towards graduation. So it's all good.

Haiti
I'm sure we're all aware of the Haiti earthquake disaster that took place on Jan 12. It's a very sad moment in history. And everyone's seems to be looking for some sort of explanation either through science with the tectonics explanation or religious views. The truth is we will NEVER know why God made such a disaster happen. All we need to do is pray without ceasing for comfort and aid for the Haitians and that in some way this disaster will be the driving force that brings people in the country closer to knowing God and accepting Jesus as their Lord and Savior. While prayer is great, God says how can you say you love me and do not able to give your neighbor a glass of water. Donate whatever you can. There are so many organizations out there as avenues in which you can send your donations. Visit these links

http://www.worldhope.com/

http://www.worldvision.org/

http://www.worldrelief.org/

http://www.compassion.org/

Implications
The biggest revelation that came to me was...everything is VANITY. This reminds me of the book of Ecclesiastes which describes toil, pleasures, and inherently everything as MEANINGLESS. It really is. I read an article about a Haitian couple who worked extremely hard for years to build a successful hotel business in Haiti. The day before the earthquake the couple were millionaires and now they are sleeping in their car. The lesson is simple. We need to stop worrying about such materialistic things, clothes, shoes, cars, money. Don't get me wrong, it's great to enjoy life and the all the riches God has bestowed to us but keeping our focus on Him is what's what really matter. A memorable quote I learned from a PWC partner Chris Simmons is "Keep the main thing the main thing!" The main thing is God!

There's a Yoruba saying that says "Fast now so you won't have to fast later." It makes more sense when said in Yoruba. In essence it's saying diligently fast and pray to God so that you won't be placed in a situation when you have NO choice but to fast. For example some survivors in Haiti have gone without food and water for days now and are still alive by the grace of God. We think, okay let me speak for myself. I have never really seen the purpose of fasting, but I'm learning it's really to let God know you're willing to let go and deprive yourself of the physical to get closer to him spiritually.

I've learned so much this past 4 weeks and I'm looking forward to growing and learning more in Him. In such difficult and trying times it's hard and perhaps appears impossible to keep the faith but it's even more crucial that we do now.

Hebrews 10:36
You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

With Love,

In _ We Trust...

I really need to blog about this. So there appears to be this reoccurring theme that's I've been receiving lately. I'm starting to think it's a message God is really trying to get across to me.

So I wasn't really in the mood to read my bible today but wanted some sort of God interaction, I decided to go check out the Frontline Silver Spring's site to see the sermons I've missed (which is a lot btw) lol. Anyways I chose to listen to the latest by Nate Keeler titled "In ____ We Trust."

Word. Everything he talked about hit straight home. The topic was centered around the question "Is God the very center of your life?" I would like to think so. But analyzing the question even further made me to realize that the answer is NO. At times I commit some aspects to him and often try to take control of the other. The thought of giving over EVERYTHING to God cause me anxiety. The thought of giving over my love life to Him causes me the most anxiety. Ironically, I was just given a book by my friend Fana titled "When God writes your love story" by Eric & Leslie Ludy. (Truth be told I've had the book for a while, just hadn't bothered to open it till I got in the plane heading to London last week) The book is quite fascinating and embodies everything I've been either hearing or reading.

The truth is I would like to think I know who I want in a partner but honestly speaking I've fallen for the same types, the attractive, smart, tall, charismatic types. Who often find it intriguing to be with an cute, smart, and ambitious girl with high morals. But here I am still single. Now what's the problem? I'm in charge and obviously choosing the wrong guy!! What needs to happen is for me to let go of all inhibitions and just tell God. Look YOU CHOOSE. And trust he won't let me down.

I think I'm starting to listen. This is obviously a message He's trying to get across to me and it took over 3 attempts for me to finally get it. But I GET IT. I'm learning to officially trust God with the pen of my life. :D

Psalm 37:4-6
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord trust in him and he will do this. He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Happy New Year!!!

It been 2 hours since we came back from church. So I had plans to NOT celebrate New Year in the church. I was going to go out and have a wild time. Ha! I ended up in church. lol. God always has his own plans. Anyways I really did enjoy myself. Went to Redeemed Church in Peckham with the UK fam. So many people, had to go to another sanctuary and watch the preaching from a screen.

I'm SOOOOOOOOOoooo excited about 2010. I have such high hopes and expectations. It's going to be wonderful. I pray God will elevate me physically, spirititually, financially, academically, and in my career as well. I pray that no harm will come to either myself or my family and friends.

I know this year is going to be better than the last. Overall 2009 was great, like a rollercoaster but it ended nicely and 2010 will top that.

I don't usually do resolutions but these I what I plan to do:

1. Release every aspect of my life total to Him.
   
2. Continuing growing in my relationship with God. I've come really far and want to keep climbing up.
   
3. Be more openminded and read more leisure books!
   
4. Be more focused academic have create goals for the year.

Doesn't seem like much but certainly #1 is going to be the toughest to adhere to. But by the grace of God I will fufill all these resolutions. London's New Year's Eve parade in the morning. Must sleep. Goodnight :D

London Bound

So I leave for London tomorrow evening....EXCITEMENT!!

Updates:
Since I haven't written in a while. This semester was remarkable. God has been tooo good to me. I feel like I'm living a dream. I'm so thankful to God for my grades 3.5 baby!!!(4.0 next semester eh???) I have a great internship lined up with JP Morgan (haha Delaware bound). I love my family and friends for everything and the best (21st) birthday ever. Ahhh love life. Quit RA-ing at Courtyards (that's another story/post). Just moved back home. I'm in a good place. I don't have everything I want but I've learned to be content with what I have. Praise God.

London here I come!