Letting Go...

To start off...I am officially a graduate from college! Yea and with DOS/DIEU (the number 2 for Spanish/French illiterate) degrees. Definitely could not have done it without the strength from my heavenly father above, and the love and support from my family, and my friends for making the ride awesome! It has been quite a journey into adulthood.

As one chapter in my life is wrapping up I anticipate what's next. The next phase is embarking on my career. I've been fortunate enough to have a job following college so, I don't particularly dread the question "So what's next for you?" But because I'm moving to a different state away from family and friends I have been asked quite often if I'm excited, nervous, ready, etc. My answer has been consistent and robotic - yes, I'm excited, no, I'm not nervous, and I think I'm ready. But I've actually taken the time to ponder and sort out my feelings about everything. My sentiments floats between the excitement of finally "growing up" and entering the real world and concern on the fact that things are significantly about to change.I realize part of "growing up" is learning when to let go. Letting go of fear of change and not necessarily knowing what lies ahead. Letting go of the comfortableness of having your friends around you all the time, letting go of a relationship that was never quite meant to be. Everyone has their own "let gos" they have to make, these are just some of mine.

Change. I've spent the past 17 years or so in school. And all of sudden I'm given the freedom to roam, to not study, to not attend class, to not write papers/take exams. Gee what's a girl to do? It will certainly take some time to adjust to this new found freedom granted, freedom is relative. My new found freedom involves waking early in the morning to enter into an institution called an "office," and work for 8 to 12 hours a day, circumstantial to the task for the day. Wow freedom is sweet! Not to sound so grave, this freedom does come with money and the perks associated with that.

Friendships. Have you ever thought about how much time you spend with your friends? I haven't really either. You will when a time period comes when you will have to be away from them. I personally think we spend more time with my friends than with our family, at least I know I do. Now that I'll be away from my core friends do I believe I may lose those friendships? In the past, I would have said yes, but once again part of "growing up" is not only letting go of such notions but also knowing that the foundation of anything is what keeps it standing. Friendship is one of those things you have to work on. While I can't hop in my car and present myself at their door randomly (as I often do) or look forward to weekend outings where I know I'll see my friends, they'll certainly still be in my heart. But, my hope is that they think of me and pray for me often as I intend to do for them as well. I find the excuse people make in saying "I'm not very good at checking up on people" inexcusable. If you truly care about someone you will make it a habit to check in on them. And, they say, habits are hard to break.

Relationships. God brings people into your life for a reason. Some of those relationships are seasonal, while others are a bit more long-termed. I'm learning to come to terms with that statement. Not all relationships are long-term and even in the long-term ones, the dynamic of those relationships may change. The hard part is usually deciding what to do with those relationships, especially those involving the opposite sex. Part of "growing up" is learning to define relationships from the start. A defined relationship is so important in order to eliminate ambiguity. If anything does change as the relationship progress, it's also very important to discuss it with the individual. If there is anyone out there struggling with the issue of whether to pursue a relationship or not, my honest answer is to go straight to the person who created you both and ask for His opinion. Trust me, what God tells you is ALWAYS right, may not be the answer you want to hear but it's precisely the answer you need to hear (speaking from personal experience). Don't be discouraged, when the answer is "no" or "not now," just know that His plans are much greater than what you can ever vision or imagine. And an encouragement for those who are still single. Singleness is not a prison sentence. Embrace it. It is a period of time where you have the freedom to cultivate your relationship with Christ without any other distractions.

Frederick W. Cropp once said, "There is much in the world to make us afraid. There is much more in your [our] faith to make us unafraid." That's something I know I can certainly count on - my faith in Christ. Things may change around me but my father is the same. I take great comfort in recognizing that!

P.S. I may not be writing for a while. I need some time to adjust to my new "freedom." So please pardon my brief leave of absence.

With Love,

I Finally See You...

Ok, so this was my PRIVATE POST....just now making it public (6/22/11)

Have you ever seen someone but have never really SEEN them? This post will clarify a few things. So this past week I've been an emotional wreck. I'm the least emotional person you will meet. I'm very rational and thorough with my thoughts. Before you get into a frenzy, nothing is wrong per say but I just hate not being in control of my thoughts...someone else is. I've never had someone consume my thoughts for such a long time and it is driving me CRAZY!

One year ago today, God brought me to my knees in tears, convicted my heart, and encouraged me...more like forced me to surrender my pen to him. This past year He's really taught me a lot about having healthy, pure, God-centered relationships with the opposite sex. My journey hasn't been perfect but I can really see God working in my life.

So there's someone in my life I've known for quite some time now. I see them quite often and we hang out a lot. I know quite a lot about them even their family. This person has always been there for me. They embody everything most girls would want in a relationship (God-fearing, smart, family loving, attractive, passionate individual) but I've never really seen this person as anything more than my friend. It clearly took a very long time but I feel like God's telling me "what you need has been in front of you this entire time you just need to remove your blinders and open your eyes." A part of me wants to yell on top of my lungs and say I FINALLY SEE YOU! But I can't...God's timing is so much more beautiful.

Played this way too much:

India Arie

Beautiful Surprise

*See Update* - under relationships

Happy Birthday/Anniversary!

Whooo! I'm not one year old I promise. But DECEMBER is here! This week marks my 1 year anniversary blogging. And last week was my birthday! Two pretty significant dates I would say. I can honestly say I wasn't quite sure I would be able to maintain this blog but I did. I'm proud.

This year was very low key. I spent a good portion of my birthday in the library. Nerd. I know. I didn't really do much celebration this year, come to think of it none actually, very different from the previous year. But that does not take away from how extremely grateful I am to God for blessing me with another year. This year has had its ups and downs but through it all I know He's always been by my side and has taught me some valuable lessons as I continue to grow in Him. I'm grateful to my wonder family who has put up with this 'princess' for ## years.

This post is going to be quite raw. Be warned. It almost seems inappropriate to go from such a happy tone to a more serious one. But this is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart for a while now and I figure I would share. This past year I've found a shift in a lot of friendships. To be exact I find myself drifting apart from some relatively close people. I think we often feel obligated to hold many relationships because of time. For example childhood friends or friends you met in high school. But some relationships just leaves you feeling drained, mostly because you're doing all the work in trying to maintain them or they are simply just unhealthy (I'm not saying I am a perfect friend, of course I have my many flaws) But we do outgrow friends overtime. As we mature and find a better understanding of who we are, our needs and value systems changes and will differ from others.

I've always been willing take on the role of being the listener/advice giver or whatever you want to call it. I'm not much of a sharer but ever so often when I do, I find that most people don't really listen or somehow find ways to turn the conversation back on themselves. So, I listen instead. And I've mastered that to some extent. Most are shocked how much detail I remember about a particular conversation that was held or their life in general. It usually goes something like this..."How'd you know that?"..."Eh you told me"..."Oh really." I'm not saying don't talk about yourself, I think we get so wrapped up in our lives we forget others are living life too. We fail miserably to use any sense of emotional intelligence we have to know when to stop talking and listen.

It would be a lie if I said I wasn't hurting. This has been a very difficult period for me. Emotional detachment is the hardest part. I sometimes miss these friendships but I ultimately know I'm making the right decision and I'm trying to untangle myself from feelings of guilt. Of course the love I have for them will never change. It's weird to not have that 'best friend' kind of person to speak to about your day without really having to say much because you know they would understand. It's a bit lonely at times. But in all of this, God is revealing to me that my dependency should be solely on him. I've found myself talking to him more. Friends, even long-time friends will disappear but God says...

Hebrew 13:5 "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

God does understand the need for human relationships. And because of this has brought some wonderful people into my life within the past year or so. Although they can't finish my sentence or fully know what I'm thinking all the time because the relationship is fresh but I know they truly care. And I'll take that any day...

Hiatus

I can't believe my last post was March 30 that is over a month ago!!! Simply unacceptable. Well it's not that NOTHING has been transpiring in my life...quite the opposite...EVERYTHING imaginable has been going on. Thanks Katie for making me aware of my hiatus :) I'll break down my topics in sections. Let's just say my faith has been truly tested and is continuing to be tested. I'll start with...

BARCELONA

So I think the last I spoke of this was that I was applying to the study abroad program in Barca for the fall semester. Well I've been accepted and even got some scholarships to go. I'm very analytical and like to think things through prior to making decisions but in this case Barca seemed to be calling my name and I didn't quite plan everything throughly. I figured God had my back. Well after completing a budget, oh my $15k is A LOT. I'm grateful for the scholarships received but I'm still very far from $15k. Let's just say I'm really nervous about the decision I've made and I'm hoping it was the right one. I'm too young to be in debt! I'm really trying to have faith in God and trust that if he really wants me to go everything will work out. *sigh* Please keep praying for me.

SCHOOL/WORK

I think I'm realizing more and more how much I hate school. Not the typical I'm stressed, more like I really don't know why I am here. I'm going to spare you the rant but these feelings could spurn from the fact my counterparts are graduating and I'm STILL here completing a double major and 150 credits enabling me to sit for a CPA, which I'm not sure I even want to do. My heart cries for something more than this. The more I think about it, it's rather depressing. In my last post I described how I wanted to spend this semester with my family. EPIC fail. School, case competition, and Phi Chi have totally taken over me. I would like to be just a student who goes to class and does nothing else. Why is that so hard to do? Why do I do so much? I need to rearrange my priorities. My hope is this summer I'll have time to figure things out. Speaking of summer so my internship start date is now MAY 24. YES! That's the Monday right after finals and graduation. I'm excited, nervous, scared all at once. It's finally here much quicker than I thought. My plan was to read up on the financial markets this semester to prepare me...didn't quite happen. I just want to excel but finance is not my forte and I'm IS & Accounting major working with a financial services firm doing Investment Banking. Ah...sometimes I look at my life and laugh at how I land where I do. I'm so grateful to God for wonderful opportunities but it's still scary...

RELATIONSHIPS

So as you know I gave God my pen in this department. BUT I need to be honest with myself. I think I'm slightly falling for a friend. I really don't want the pen back. It's too much work to figure things out on my own. I don't know exactly where this is coming from could be very temporal. I think the thought of not having this person around as often as I would like has me confused as to where our relationship stands. I see this person as one of my good friends who happen to posses certain qualities I admire. I need to get back into the Word and make God my priority. My greatest fear is settling, invariably taking this person away from the person God has created for them and I losing out on the greatest love story God may have for me. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship with anyone else other than Christ. Ahh opposite sex friendships are confusing even those founded on Christ. It's still difficult even with a believer. I praying for guidance.

LIFE

I've realized once you get past a hurdle another seem to arise. A never ending cycle. Life is continually filled with difficult decisions. There so much I can say about this but being in a fraternity has made this even more pertinent. I love my frat brothers but I feel God has called me to live a "set apart life." Once you label yourself as a Christian all eyes are watching you. Some want to see you fall so they feel they don't have to change their life since Christians are hypocrites. while others look up to you. It's an enormous amount of pressure. You want to have fun but you wonder what the boundaries are. I Corinthians 10:13 Paul says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." I want to be that light that shines in a world of darkness. But it's very hard to do sometimes being so young and the thought of slipping up is even more scary.

Wrap-Up

Sorry for the long post but I tried my best to encapsulate what happened in my life for a month in a few paragraphs. Sidenote: I'm extremely proud of all my graduating friends and I'm truly surrounded by wonderful, intelligent, loving friends who I have no doubt will be successful in whatever endeavors they take up. Congrats Grads!

Present Family Affairs...Future Issues

How many times have you said to yourself, "I'm never going to be like my parents." "I'm never going to raise my kids the way I was brought up." "I'll never this or that...."

So the other day I happened to have an argument with my father...the issue, not important. But the following day I woke up and felt very disappointed in the way I handled the situation. Weird. I'm so stubborn to the core and usually think I'm always right. So I was quite taken aback by my remorseful state. Anyways I said God please forgive me and teach me to be a better person not only to outsiders but to those closest to me. A couple hours later I opened this book I haven't read in a while to continue from where I left off and boy was I in for a shock. Let's just say God's timing could not have been more perfect.

The author speaks on how everyone has "them" in our lives. The only requirement for "them" is familiarity. So "them" could be family, pretty much those people who really know how to get under your skin. We are model citizens to everyone else but to "them" we become monstrous beings. I'm thinking...WORD. But why should we behave that? I know I say I'm going to be more loving and affectionate towards my future partner/family but the truth is I don't even do it now. Don't get me wrong I LOVE, I just have a very difficult time expressing that love. My current family relationships should be a training ground for my future relationships. We should "train to model Christ with "them" so we can be really good at it when we get married.

Yes, our family will embarrass us or hurt us in some way but we need to learn to loyally stand by "them." Forgiveness is key. Imagine if God walked out on us every time we embarrass Him! For me that would have been walking out on me over a million times! But no He stuck by me. Amazing! - "We love Him because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

I moved back home this semester but I'll be moving out again in a few months for work. I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to being on my own once again. But honestly now I'm really looking forward to these next few months I have with my family...to work on mending our relationship, and spending quality time with each other. I want to be the best daughter/sister to my current family, so I can be the best wife/mother to my future family. Emulating Christ in every aspect of our lives is what God requires from us.

Ephesians 4:32

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.